Recuperation...and in time is only a memory...

We're ok now. In fact, better than before from what I can gather. It's not so much that we fought and got back together but it was the lesson worth learning. Life is always full of firsts. It is never what you expect it to be and always what you don't think it can be. I have come to a realization that every experience is always a new experience. Nothing is ever repeated quite the same way as before. That's what makes life so interesting.

I have gained in myself a newfound strength. I am refreshed. So much so that I think I'm ready for anything else the world throws at me. I know this to be overly optimistic but I can't help but feel it anyway. I am blessed with being given this new chance at life. It will still be a long, hard road and the best things will be few and far between but I have grown a sense of confidence that I have never known before.

Maybe it's just the exhiliration of the moment that finds me in this blissful condition and maybe I don't understand life at all. But I am certain of one thing. We only have today for the rest of our lives. There can be no more turning back time, no more repeating history despite it being an overused catch phrase. It is an altogether surreal yet melancholic thing to behold. To realize that this is the last time that we will ever have this time. A microsecond tick away from the rest of our lives. A tiny droplet of fate that will forever change the course of our lives. A small and insignificant decision which could alter the course of history. A speck of thread in the tapestry of God. I am healing now. And yet all I will ever have is this time.

The ogre in me

My girlfriend always joked about me being an ogre and she being a princess because I'm huge, clumsy and I forget my own strength very often. It wasn't funny when I ended up giving her bruises because I tried to prevent her from getting out of the car one night we had a fight. I just wanted to talk. But it's no excuse for hurting her.

I tried to deal with it. I think I'm handling it better now. I hope she can forgive me. It is a lesson learned under the worst conditions possible. Hurting the one you love the most. I have always loathed people who abuse women, I never thought I would become one. I wish I could say that if anyone hit me or if anything bad happened to me it would make it better. But I know it won't. Nothing will change the fact that I had hurt her physically and that she feels betrayed by it. The only person who she thought would protect her couldn't protect her from himself. It is a damaging blow to something that seemed like a happy romance. I pray that we're strong enough to survive it.

I can never forgive myself for having done that to her. Now I must live with my mistake. One that I hope I can recover from. It is always the hardest lessons learned that are the most bitter. But I know now that passion in its purest form can be a dangerous thing if you let it run you to the ground. It is good to love unconditionally. It is not good to love desperately. There are times when you just have to let the situation run its full-course. Because there will always be the ogre in all of us waiting to come out at that moment and make things worse.

I have gone through alot of changes in this my 30th year. I hope for the most part it is for the better. I would not have thought it possible if not for Berlyn. She is my girlfriend, my conscience, my hope, my love. I know its unusual to put all faith in one person especially if you are the more experienced one by far. But she has shown me how to look at myself and become better for it. In that aspect she is hands down the better part.

Love isn't something that happens without conflict. In fact, it is conflict that makes love all the more sweeter. It is in struggling that you realize how much somebody really means to you. It is the hardships that make it all worthwhile at the end of the day when you go back to the one you love and just cherish her for everything that she is.

She teases that I am her Shrek and that she is my Fiona. If I could be that gentle-hearted, loving and make her happy like that, I wouldn't mind being her ogre for the rest of my life.