I tend to overanalyze...alot...

Last sunday I went to church and I remembered why I stopped going in the first place. I have nothing against the pastor and why he speaks the way he does, nor do I think it is wrong to preach as long as the end result will lead people closer to God. Faith, after all plays an important role in all our lives whether we want to admit it or not.

My belief in the matter is that pastors or people who speak in front of a multitude have in more ways than one an effect in the listeners lives. They have to a greater or lesser degree an influence in the way people act their beliefs once they step out of church. With this in mind, they bear the burden of having to choose their words wisely. The sheep will always follow the shepherds voice especially those who are lost.

The pastor spoke of love and how a person should love according to the Bible. It was interesting to see how he tackled the issue of love. It was mostly based on the Bible which I believe spoke true about what love is. I was absently contemplating how the world would be a better place if everyone could follow this simple passage when I heard the pastor say love isn't a feeling. This broke me from my reverie.

I listened as he spoke of how love should not be a feeling but a will guided by the words of God. That parents should love their children by making them learn their mistakes. That to love your enemies means that you do it even if you don't want to...and that you can't eat love. I don't have much argument with the three former lines but the last one caught my attention. Does it mean that you should be practical in love? Is it truly Christian to love and worry about what you will eat when the Bible says do not worry about what you will eat and wear for the Lord will provide you all this and more? Is love to be a seperation of mind and heart? Then I started thinking more.

What about the story of the prodigal son? Does this mean that the father did not love his son by giving him everything and spoiling him and taking him back when he lost it all? Can you truly say you love one who has wronged you even if you think about what he has done to you and you only love him because you have to? Is love the act of thinking about the pros and cons rather than the act of sacrifice? Do we love to suffer or suffer to love?

I wonder if anyone can truly say what God's love is like. I would like to imagine it. The world is full of things that leave the imagination to interpret it and sometimes we inject a little bit of ourselves into what should simply just be. Faith is something people grab a hold onto because without it they have no guidance, no structure to their lives. It might be God's word you are preaching but it is you who they listen to. And if you tell them that love isn't a feeling, then what is?

Recuperation...and in time is only a memory...

We're ok now. In fact, better than before from what I can gather. It's not so much that we fought and got back together but it was the lesson worth learning. Life is always full of firsts. It is never what you expect it to be and always what you don't think it can be. I have come to a realization that every experience is always a new experience. Nothing is ever repeated quite the same way as before. That's what makes life so interesting.

I have gained in myself a newfound strength. I am refreshed. So much so that I think I'm ready for anything else the world throws at me. I know this to be overly optimistic but I can't help but feel it anyway. I am blessed with being given this new chance at life. It will still be a long, hard road and the best things will be few and far between but I have grown a sense of confidence that I have never known before.

Maybe it's just the exhiliration of the moment that finds me in this blissful condition and maybe I don't understand life at all. But I am certain of one thing. We only have today for the rest of our lives. There can be no more turning back time, no more repeating history despite it being an overused catch phrase. It is an altogether surreal yet melancholic thing to behold. To realize that this is the last time that we will ever have this time. A microsecond tick away from the rest of our lives. A tiny droplet of fate that will forever change the course of our lives. A small and insignificant decision which could alter the course of history. A speck of thread in the tapestry of God. I am healing now. And yet all I will ever have is this time.

The ogre in me

My girlfriend always joked about me being an ogre and she being a princess because I'm huge, clumsy and I forget my own strength very often. It wasn't funny when I ended up giving her bruises because I tried to prevent her from getting out of the car one night we had a fight. I just wanted to talk. But it's no excuse for hurting her.

I tried to deal with it. I think I'm handling it better now. I hope she can forgive me. It is a lesson learned under the worst conditions possible. Hurting the one you love the most. I have always loathed people who abuse women, I never thought I would become one. I wish I could say that if anyone hit me or if anything bad happened to me it would make it better. But I know it won't. Nothing will change the fact that I had hurt her physically and that she feels betrayed by it. The only person who she thought would protect her couldn't protect her from himself. It is a damaging blow to something that seemed like a happy romance. I pray that we're strong enough to survive it.

I can never forgive myself for having done that to her. Now I must live with my mistake. One that I hope I can recover from. It is always the hardest lessons learned that are the most bitter. But I know now that passion in its purest form can be a dangerous thing if you let it run you to the ground. It is good to love unconditionally. It is not good to love desperately. There are times when you just have to let the situation run its full-course. Because there will always be the ogre in all of us waiting to come out at that moment and make things worse.

I have gone through alot of changes in this my 30th year. I hope for the most part it is for the better. I would not have thought it possible if not for Berlyn. She is my girlfriend, my conscience, my hope, my love. I know its unusual to put all faith in one person especially if you are the more experienced one by far. But she has shown me how to look at myself and become better for it. In that aspect she is hands down the better part.

Love isn't something that happens without conflict. In fact, it is conflict that makes love all the more sweeter. It is in struggling that you realize how much somebody really means to you. It is the hardships that make it all worthwhile at the end of the day when you go back to the one you love and just cherish her for everything that she is.

She teases that I am her Shrek and that she is my Fiona. If I could be that gentle-hearted, loving and make her happy like that, I wouldn't mind being her ogre for the rest of my life.

Of faith, love, and struggle which brings us to hope...

People change. I'd like to believe that I did. Partly because I've always wanted to but mostly because I have a reason to. I've always thought that I had to control my life, to take charge such as it is. That if I allow anyone to depend on I would lose my independence, my self-worth, my identity.

Funny I never understood the meaning of it before and I tried so hard to disprove and deny everything that had to do with it. Faith I mean. I thought I never needed it. I certainly did not think I would be one to close my mind around it. It is a powerful thing faith. Faith in God. And yet, I am still having a hard time focusing on it. Years of living under the assumption of something else has probably dampened my soul to see the truth.

Everybody needs a reason to have faith. It could be about family, work, relationships or just something as simple as walking out of your door and into the street. Now that I think about it, no one can truly say they have no faith. Even those without have faith in having no faith at all.

My reason is mostly about love and the requisite conditions that come along with it. Whoever said that love is free clearly did not understand it. Love is not free. It always comes with a price. It is the progeny of struggle. For without struggle, you cannot find out about real love.

It brings to mind the perfect example of love. The love borne of sin. The love in which Jesus died for on the cross. Love doesn't mean sacrifice but it cannot exist without it. In order to love someone, you would have to give up something. This is a concept which few would comprehend. They know the facts. They just don't understand it. It is a conditioning resulting from the way the world has taught us. Which brings us to hope.

Hope, much like faith is a powerful thing to behold. It gives people something to look forward to in the most dire circumstances. It heals wounds and saves lives when everything else points to the opposite. It is perhaps this that has shaped the world which we know of today. Hope, or the lack of it is probably responsible for most of our daily decisions without even thinking about it.

If faith brings us to believe in something and love binds it together then hope renews us when we struggle with our faith and within our love. I believe that God has a reason why He made me who I am. I may not comprehend my love for Him or Him for me yet but I have hope that He will let me see through it eventually.

It is these which allow me to change. To make me love with sacrifice. To let me dream with hope. To hold strong to my faith. For without these, then the world I know of seems so bleak indeed.

...and all that is left are faith, hope and love...and the greatest of these is love. from the Bible

Complexities

The world is full of diversities. Even within sects of similar origins, there are completely different individuals whose beliefs clash. It is a wonder the human race has survived this long without wiping each other off the face of the earth. Why people insist on complicating their lives is beyond me. Standards are supposed to be there to guide you, not run your lives.

Traditionally speaking, we are that kind of society. We move at a slow pace to catch up with the times. We hold on to the past like it is some kind of holy grail. People view traditionalism as a way of life. Change. It is a constant in all our lives.

People are afraid of change. They have so gotten used to their way of life that if a change occured, it would be a disaster. They think that another way of living life is so wrong, they refuse to accept it. And so they try to rationalize it by pointing out the shortcomings of other people and justifying their own as to make it right.

But who is to say what is right and what is wrong in a persons life? The future is never a certainty. There are no constants except for change. There is no extreme. There is only life and the way you choose to live it, then there is death.

What is life if you cannot make your own choices?

What is tomorrow if you have no hope?

What is love if you are made to choose sides?

What is happiness if you must sacrifice your own?

What am I without you?

Life is too short...and people live it the way they want to

Something has happened recently which made me think about why people do the things they do. Like why do people fall in love? Or why do they fail to see what other people see? Why is it hard to let go? Why are there extreme conservatives and extreme liberals? Then I had an epiphany. I can't really answer these questions because I would have to ask each individual on this planet if I needed one.

People live life the way they want to or at least live it the way they think they should. They have their own opinions, their own ways of dealing with difficulty. Like when they seek the approval of others to come to a decision in their life, that is an individual trait. But then again, don't all people seek approval in one form or another whether we like to admit it or not?

Maybe if we understood each other more. Maybe if we had more knowledge or wisdom. The concept of right and wrong has been a vague one at best. But people who think they are right about something rarely question the alternatives. Why do people live life the way they do? Maybe its because they don't know another way to live it...life that is.

A new year and everything else that follows

It's been a crazy start for the new year. Feels like my head is still rushing to catch up with my body. After all the holiday bru-ha-has, much has to be said about what my life is going through right now. Changes. It's something you will never get used to no matter how many times you have done it.

This year marks my 30th (ya, you heard it right...the big 3-0) celebration of my being brought into this world, and as I look back at the things that have brought me to this point in my life, I can't help but wonder that if there really was a God...does He have a sense of humor?

Recently I have been enamored by a young lady, I suppose that it's normal for a man to be so. But what sets it apart is the fact that I know what I'm doing, I'm just not sure where it's going...yet. I suppose that alot of people were in my situation at one point or another, but I just can't help thinking about all the things that have happened to me which has lead me to this point in my life...confused and falling in love (which are probably one and the same).

So I do what comes naturally in this state, I panic. I tell myself that it's all an elaborate trap, that someone will pull the carpet out from under me and I would fall down with no safety net to catch me. It's not too late to run back. There's still time to back out. There's still a chance I might not plunge into the abyss known as crash-and-burn. So what do I do? I lunge in head first. I never was one to listen to words of caution, especially my own.

If experience has taught me anything, it's this - you can never have enough experience when it comes to matters of the heart. It's just something you do or you don't, there is no middle ground for it (or if there was, somebody conveniently left it out in the birthing process).

Nobody really knows what will happen next, I know I have absolutely no idea about it. But sometimes you don't really need to know or try and anticipate every move. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, there's just you and what you decide on. It's a leap of faith. Faith that is based on nothing but what you're feeling. Faith that has no credibility whatsoever but what your gut is trying to tell you. Faith in that there is no mistake about it even if you think it is.

Maybe I'm just getting old and sentimental. I know for sure that I'm being a wuss about it. But I guess we all go through that at some point in our lives...falling in love I mean.

It's a feeling that has no warning,
this thing called love
It's chocolates and flowers blooming,
this thing called love
It's hope and happiness and all things nice,
this thing called love
It's heartaches and pain and alot of spice,
this thing called love
It's what adults have forgotten but children understand,
this thing called love
It is innocence and pureness, humble not grand
this thing called love
It is you and me sharing a sunset
watching the world go by
listening to the sound of the wind pass us by
this thing called love